Trigger Warning: Suicide
I’ve attempted suicide.
I had self-harming behaviors as a child. The first time I attempted suicide, I was about ten years old. I didn’t know how to do it, so I took my dad’s prescription medication. They were for liver disease, but I didn’t know what pills they took in those movie scenes. The pills didn’t work, and I got sick, but no one knew what I did.
The last time I attempted suicide was about 15 years ago. That time I knew exactly what to do. I took a bunch of prescription sleeping pills. I was saved at the right time, and I’m thankful I’m still alive. I would very much like it to stay that way. Since then, I have worked tirelessly on recovering and healing.
I haven’t attempted suicide since, but the thoughts haunt me most of the time. I’m scared of them. They are persistent, urging, and sometimes overwhelming. I’m working on facing them. Is it my fate? I want to live a normal life free of fear.
Without getting into the details, I was sexually, physically, and verbally abused as a child. I also worked very hard labor as a child and a teen in my family’s business. I hated myself and had no desire to live. Eventually, I found the love and support I needed and deserved and thought that this was all behind me. I was wrong. It was tough for me to gain self-esteem or faith in people. I still have major trust issues, but I’m working on that too.
I’m slowly healing. At least I now believe I can heal. I vowed to live the best life I could. That is my revenge. And I do live the best life. But why do these thoughts still hang around me? I know better than to try to reason with Bipolar Disorder. There’s no why or how.
Those feelings are especially pronounced when news breaks about a celebrity committing suicide. The worst is when no one even knows that the person is battling depression or having suicidal thoughts.
Here is what I wish other people knew about suicidal thoughts.
Suicide can affect anyone at any stage of their lives, people from different backgrounds, genders, social or financial status, and any age.
Suicide has been linked to sexual or physical abuse, such as in my case. It can be triggered by trauma, a financial crisis, underlying mental health disorders like depression or bipolar disorder, and underlying health issues like chronic conditions. It can also be genetic.
Suicide has symptoms and signs you can detect, such as repeating phrases like, “I wish I were never born” or “I wish I were dead,” talking about death, withdrawing, severe mood swings, and acquiring a firearm or pills. It varies from person to person.
If you detect such signs in a loved one or you have them yourself, there are ways to help prevent it. It’s tough to talk or open up about those feelings, so be sensitive when talking to someone who has suicidal feelings or has attempted suicide.
Here is what I wish I had known before my attempts.
Suicded can be prevented. At the time, it might feel like it’s the only way out of a stressful situation, but it’s not.
There is a Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 988 dedicated to helping people just like me. You can call or chat online. They offer their services in English, Spanish, and ASL. You will find someone that listens and can offer sincere help and solutions. It helped me tremendously and probably even saved my life.
