It is a conversation that is often had or avoided early on in a relationship. A conversation that can make or break a relationship and one that never feels like the right time to bring up. It starts by asking your partner the dreaded question because you think you might push them away if you bring it up too early in a relationship. I can’t remember when I waited to ask my then-boyfriend ‘the question,’ but it must have been a few months in.
Now that I think back, we were still kids, twenty-two and twenty-four at the time. We had no idea what that meant. Two kids, three kids, four kids? This was just a number to us. This number didn’t account for the number of baths we would have to give a night, the number of school lunches we would have to pack each day, or the number of soccer games, gymnastics classes, and dance recitals we would attend.
It was an arbitrary number, attached to a fantasy that you plan in your mind, with your white picket fence (which we power-wash annually!) and your golden retriever running around your freshly-cut yard (ours is a Bernedoodle).
“I want an entire basketball team,” he replied. I laughed it off and took a deep breath. Phew, he wants kids too. I responded by saying I wanted two or three. Having come from a family of four, my parents, my sister, and I, our house was pretty calm (until I borrowed my sister’s flannel shirt and didn’t return it…it was the 90s). I liked the tranquility, but I also enjoyed the chaos when we were with all of my cousins, who each came from bigger families.
After having our oldest daughter,
we knew we wanted at least one more child. We wanted to give her the experience of having a sibling, and we were enjoying the newness of being parents. Four years after we had her (a
miscarriage and chemical pregnancy in between was my reminder that pregnancy is often out of our control), our adorable second born came along. Watching our two girls together was heaven on earth. My four-year-old finally had her real-life baby, and we were blessed with another healthy child.
Here we were, a family of four, and back to the next dreaded question.
“Do we want a third?” My husband was still convinced that he wanted an entire basketball team, so his
answer was clear. The ball was in my court (no pun intended!).
A few sleep-deprived weeks in, we washed bottles in the kitchen, watching our four-year-old and infant on the play mat together.
My big girl sang songs to her younger sister and watched her every move. I looked at my husband through teary and tired eyes and said, “Let’s do it.” He looked at me in confusion, having no idea what I was talking about. “Let’s go for three.”
His face lit up, and he hugged me and said, “Ok, let’s do it. How hard can it be?” My husband’s famous last words exited his mouth before he started a big project, such as building our daughters’ shelves in their closets, putting our swing set together, and starting two businesses.
Our third daughter was born two and a half years after that day. My affectionate, empathetic, curious and playful girl, who now completes our very own three-person basketball team. I may have been exhausted and in newborn bliss when I made this life-changing decision, but not a day goes by that I am not thankful for three healthy girls.
So, if you are in the two vs. three boat, I will tell you that yes, our days and nights are more chaotic, and yes, a family of five is definitely a crowd, but in the end, it is a decision that you will not regret. Seeing my three girls together is even better than the fantasy I had imagined when I was just a kid myself.
So here we are, attending three back-to-school nights, three parent-teacher conferences, three annual check-ups, making sure three kids are fed and cleaned daily, but at the end of the day, I take a deep breath and ask myself, “How hard can it be?” and then I take a sip of wine (and no..we won’t be trying for a boy!).
