Two years ago, my younger child (almost nine years old at the time) came out to me as nonbinary. That wasn’t the first time they talked about their gender identity. As far as I can remember, they’ve always questioned their gender identity. “Mom, can a girl become a boy? Can a boy become a girl?” they would ask at just four years old. “Can I become a boy one day?” they asked at seven.
A few months before they came out as nonbinary, they said they might be trans. “I don’t feel comfortable in my body,” they explained. That was a tough time for them and the most stressful because they didn’t fully understand how they felt. Then they realized that they were ok with their sex, but they didn’t identify as either male or female.
They got the whole family’s full support, and everyone showered them with love. We made one thing very clear, no matter what, they are always accepted for who they are.
I had fears, doubts, and confusion at times. I wondered if this was just a phase. Is it the influence of social media, friends, or the news media? How do I know if it’s genuine? Does it matter if it’s a phase or an influence? My child is going through something big and profound that can change their whole life. Placing blame or thinking of what went wrong doesn’t matter because there’s nothing wrong with my child.
Although I considered myself an ally all my life, I was shocked at how little I knew about the LGBTQ+ community. I’m still learning.
I sought professional help. I wanted to learn more and educate myself on LGBTQ+. What does nonbinary mean? What is gender identity? Why is it important to use the correct pronouns? There was a lot I needed to learn to support my child.
Weeks and months passed, and I saw a dramatic change in my child’s social life. They had fewer friends and became more isolated. They became depressed, and their anxiety spiked to an all-time high.
Their school life became a misery when they became a target of constant attacks for who they were, with one kid telling them they should kill themselves for being a part of the LGBTQ+ community.
I reached out to the school, and thankfully they were very supportive and took measures to ensure this bullying won’t happen again. And school life became more tolerable after that.
I knew that it would be a long road for them in their journey of self-discovery, and I didn’t want it to be hard. What can I do to support them? The only thing in my power at that point was to create a safe space for them at home.
I tried to put myself in their shoes and figure out how they must feel inside, but no matter how hard I tried, I realized I couldn’t even come close to understanding how they truly felt inside. I realized that embracing them fully and wholeheartedly made all the difference.
My child’s life took a much more positive turn after they met like-minded friends and allies. And after we allowed them to express themselves however they felt like. We used their pronouns at home, and they gracefully forgive our occasional slips.
We talk openly about their experience. The other day they were elated when I shared with their pediatrician what they’ve been going through. The twinkle in their eyes and the confidence in their posture said it all; they were proud!
I shared with their teacher, who was also very supportive, which makes me feel we are not alone. She understood how it must feel in my child’s head going through all this and offered support at school.
We want to be there every step of the way on their exciting journey of self-discovery. I know it’s still a long way to go, and I hope to make their journey as smooth as possible.
My only word of advice for parents who are having a similar journey of self-discovery with their young children is to accept, support, and advocate for their children. They are the same children you have always loved with all your heart.
It’s not easy for them, and it won’t be easy for you. You will sometimes feel lost and confused, but don’t let that affect your relationship with your child, who is at a delicate age. Remember, don’t get angry, and don’t blame yourself, social media, or anything else. Instead, find help if you need it, and don’t feel that you are alone.
