Let Me Have Today

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let me have todayToday I have nothing. Nothing to give. No strength, no energy, no desire to fight the good fight.

Today let me wallow. Let me feel ‘woe is me’ and do not fault me for it.   

Today I want things to be easy. I want things to fall into place. I want things to fall in my lap. 

Today do not tell me to bounce back from disappointment. I do not want to be positive.

Today I want a silver platter and have things handed to me. I want to be selfish.

Today I am tired of working so hard and getting nowhere. 

I want my worth to be seen. I do not want to be compared to others. I want to be valued for my authenticity. 

Today I want to be supported and ask that the fingers be pointed in a different direction. 

Today I do not want to take responsibility. I want to blame. I want to blame the system. I want to blame the man. And I do not want to be the bigger person.

Today I do not have the strength to create inner peace.   

I have no desire to exert more energy than the task at hand deserves.

Today I will not be the strong one, the one who encourages, nor the one who keeps it all together for everyone.

Today I long for less strong-minded, opinionated children who will go with the flow.

Today I need not hear that things happen for a reason. Nor that they will work out for the better. I want the better, without guilt.

Today I want to catch a break and be selfish with no qualms about feeling that way.

Today I have no desire to talk about it. I want to be free of drama, politics, and worry.

Today I have no strength to be the person I am supposed to be. To fight, to advocate, to hope.  

Today I am a glass-half-empty gal. I do not care to work harder, nor be further determined. I know that this is what I have done all along, yet I still feel empty-handed and unaccomplished. 

Today I am angry and jealous at all the breaks others seemingly get, and I feel like my family and I deserve them too.

Today I will simply not try so hard, and I will take a bath in self-pity. I cannot question my decisions nor their implications.

Today I will throw inspirational quotes out the window. I do not want to snap out of it nor look on the bright side.  

Today I want my dreams to come true without putting in the tough work.  

I feel bad for myself, although I know in my heart and brain that I have very little to complain about. 

Today I do not want to acknowledge my many blessings nor to feel grateful for what I have because selfishly, I want more, and I want it easier. 

Today I am not depressed – I promise. I am just worn. Today is culmination day. The disappointments have reached the brim. Today, I have no more.

Today is the day when I have nothing to give.

Tomorrow I will be alright, but please let me have today with no judgment. Tomorrow I will scrape “today” off of me and try again. Do better. Work harder. Be grateful. Love more. Up my confidence game.  Portray positivity. Give grace. Be thankful my children do not follow the masses. And know that I am enough. And in all likelihood, I will look at “today” and my self-centered thoughts with regret. 

But, for me to have that tomorrow? Please allow me to have today. 

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Melissa Jacobowitz is a Bronx native who moved to Westchester County after she and her high school sweetheart got hitched in 1997. She and her husband live in Mount Kisco with their son Corey (b 2004) and daughter Mia (b 2007). Melissa spent many years working in Human Resources and currently works in enrollment and marketing for a child care organization. Melissa is a two-time survivor of Postpartum OCD. Melissa initially became interested in writing to raise awareness for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, but has discovered that writing is a newfound aspect of her life that she thoroughly enjoys. She was also a contributing writer with Suburban Misfit Mom and you can find her stories at http://suburbanmisfitmom.com/writer/melissa-jacobowitz/ Melissa is also a featured writer in the book “A Dark Secret,” which is a compilation of where 15 women share their stories of maternal mental illness from diagnosis to recovery. Melissa is excited to write with the Westchester County Mom team and hopes that you’ll enjoy her stories of the trials and tribulations of a born-n-raised city girl raising a teenagers growing up here in Westchester.