Where the Person Meets the Parent

As a person, I’m messy, a little lazy, kind of selfish, I procrastinate, and can bounce around from task to task. As a parent, however, I’m the fixer. I find solutions, I’m efficient, I bring calm and order, and make sure everyone has what they need at the appropriate time. Where these two intersect is where my most significant weaknesses lie, and also, where I have the best opportunity to model some life lessons for my kids. 

Do you let your kids see you struggle? Do they know that you do things you’re not 100% comfortable with?

I know what I’m good at, and WE ALL know the things at which I am not. I don’t try to hide it, and I’m totally willing to ask for help. I typically give my kids a front-row seat into the not so pretty, but oh so necessary act of stepping outside of my comfort zone and entering the unknown…seeking guidance and then going for it. You don’t have to know everything to try; you just have to be willing to learn and be comfortable with things getting a bit messy.

They can recognize when I’m flying blind, and my hope is that it normalizes what it means to not be perfect.

This is the “purse” I brought to our first dance competition of the season a few weeks ago. It’s the start of my third competition season, so I’m not entirely brand new to this, but still feel completely incompetent. Between this bag, the center console of my car and the suitcase in the trunk, I had four extra pairs of caramel tights, an extra fake ponytail of curly hair, 17 pairs of fake eyelashes, two different types of lash glue, enough snacks to feed a small army, various colors of sharpies, packing tape (yep, you read that right), 1000 bobby pins/ hair pins/ ponytail holders, and a handheld mini steamer. For some context, on a regular day, I leave with my keys, phone, chapstick, and wallet (if I remember it). This big bag of EVERYTHING is what it looks like when I’m unsure of myself.

Out in the regular world, I can fix things, I can find solutions and make most things ok. In the dance world, I’m clueless, and so I over (OVER) prepare to compensate. 

I imagine that at some point in the future, I’ll be able to sleep the night before dance competitions, that I won’t wake up in a panic that I’ve forgotten something or misread the times on the schedule. At some point, I’ll be able to carry a purse that doesn’t leave an indent in my shoulder and look like I’m running away from home. But for now, this is what it is. 

I joke about it and also recognize how important it is that I’ve created this coping mechanism. It would be really easy (outwardly) to pretend like I’ve got this all figured out. To show up as my regular old self, portraying a relaxed and calm exterior, while internally being a panicking mess of inadequacy, would be doing a huge disservice to myself, to my kids, and to their expectations of being a grown-up.

When we arrived in the dressing room of the first competition, I walked in, put down my enormous bag, and declared, “I’m kind of freaking out, but I’ve got packing tape if anyone needs it!” (Side note, no one needs packing tape at a dance competition, and I cut myself on the sharp cutting edge TWICE. But I was putting it out there, accepting that I’m 100% NOT in control of this situation, and going with whatever the day may bring.)

As a person, I feel confident in stepping outside of my comfort zone and trying new things. And yet, the weight and responsibility of the little people I’m parenting makes it feel so much scarier and so much more intimidating. But I recognize that these kids deserve to see ALL of me, not just the parts I’m comfortable with.

It would have been so easy and comfortable as my kids first began to explore this unknown world of dance, to insist that we stay safely on the shores, not diving in or fully exploring it. I would exist in a world where I felt [mostly] in control and fixing whatever came our way. And it would have been incredibly unfortunate given everything I’ve now seen my kids accomplish. 

So, moms/ parents/ people in charge, you don’t have to have all the answers, you don’t have to know what to do in every situation. Sometimes we need to let our kids paint a new course or give in to situations that put us on an unfamiliar path. Show up anyway, get comfortable being uncomfortable, ask for help, and learn something.