When I was pregnant with my first child almost seven years ago, I read all the pregnancy and parenting books. I felt prepared! I was one of THOSE parents who was an excellent mom before she had kids. Even within the first few months of my “unicorn” baby’s life, I thought I had it all figured out. He’s an exception, one of those “trick” kids who convinces you that you were born to parent and should definitely have more children.
Don’t worry. His sister and brother humbled me. I found in 7 years and 3 kids later that there is no “one size fits all” book of advice.
It is both a blessing and a curse to be of the social media generation. We can log onto any one of the many Mom or Parenting Facebook groups we belong to at any time of the day or night, ask a question, and get a ton of answers that will either help or scare the living out of us! So, as I sat up late during the night with a feverish child, I thought about the advice I really wish someone gave out when I was a new mom. So here’s the REAL parenting advice:
1. Every phase is temporary. Like, really temporary.
I have been in the throes of many a sleep regression thinking that I will never sleep more than four interrupted hours again. I’ll always be a zombie at work. I’ll always be holding a baby during the night. And then, one night, it all changes, and the baby sleeps. I’ve gone crazy making multiple meals for picky eaters, wondering what happened to my baby-led weaned children who would eat anything I put in from of them. Then, poof, my son is eating steamed buns with spicy aioli! The point is, these phases are hard, sometimes infuriating, and they can take a toll, but they don’t last forever.
2. Find yourself a solid tribe. A tribe that gets it.
A friend who doesn’t mind waiting with your kid if you’re late to elementary school pick up and who won’t judge you for it; a fellow daycare mom who understands why you still send your kids when you have the day off; friends who come over and don’t care if your house is a mess; friends who share their snacks when you didn’t bring enough or take your kid to the park because the other two are sick; friends who know you would do all of this for them, too. You need people who are IN IT with you.
3. It’s okay not to love every moment.
I am confident enough in my mom status that I can fully admit that I will not miss my youngest child – who has been almost permanently attached to me for his 20 months of life – sitting at my feet, grabbing at my legs, and screaming whenever I am doing something that does not involve holding him. It is really okay not to love bringing your kids to do something fun only for them to whine or tantrum, or, even better, ask to leave as soon as you get there. No one loves every moment of anything.
4. DO NOT fall into the social media comparison trap!
This one is hard, oh so hard, and I’ve been on both sides of it. I have totally yelled at my kids to take a #blessed photo and captioned said photo with a sweet message, all while chaos ensued. I have also looked at people’s pictures and wondered how the heck they have it so together when we can’t even find the baby’s shoe! (True story: last week, I brought my kids to the splash pad, and the little one wore one flip flop because I couldn’t find the other and got tired of looking). We have to remember that social media is a small fraction of a person’s real life. Most people are not posting their fails. I know that we have about 1 win to 5 in our house on any given day. I know enough other parents to be pretty sure it is the same in their houses!
5. Here is the most important and the one I struggle with most: take care of yourself and make sure people honor your boundaries.
I am and always have been a people-pleaser. I have always put aside my own comfort to make others more comfortable. If you do not want to do something – don’t want someone holding or touching your baby, are not ready for visitors, or need a night to yourself. If you want to cancel plans because your day was just so hectic, please, PLEASE don’t be afraid to say no or to cancel. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Chances are super high that the person completely understands.
I am no expert by any means! And, I know I have a lot to learn as my kids continue to grow. I always look to the parents with older kids for real parenting advice and to assure me I’m not alone, so I hope my list of real advice helps at least a few of you out there!
Leanne is a contributor for Fairfield County Mom. She is also an inner-city high school English teacher with a Master’s degree in Special Education who was born, raised, and still lives in Stratford, CT. She married her husband, Chris, in 2012, and they have 3 children; Myles – born in 2013, Nora – 2015, and Bryce – 2017. Leanne and her family love to keep a busy schedule, and weekends are spent at the kids’ sporting events, dance classes, or with friends. When time allows, she loves to catch up with friends, watch anything on Bravo and write about her hectic life as a mom of 3!
