Parenting as Social Justice: Don’t Call my Son a Lady-Killer

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A handsome boy.Not to toot my own horn, but I make beautiful children. It’s a well-known fact. Of course, I think my kids are extra cute because they’re mine, but I know that they are also just objectively gorgeous. Their kissable cheeks, big smiles, and almond eyes bring joy to everyone they meet.

We are always getting compliments about how cute they are, and I’m sorry to say, it’s not always a good thing.

“She’s such a beautiful baby.”
“What a handsome boy.”
“She’s so pretty.”
“He’s gonna be a lady-killer.”

Wait, what? Where did this phrase lady-killer come from? What makes people think this is a compliment? I hear it all the time, and I struggle to respond, whether it’s to strangers or friends and family.

Lately, it’s been particularly hard for me to deal with this supposed accolade – that my son is a lady-killer. I hear the kind tone in someone’s voice and see them sweetly playing with my kid while they say it, but my mind flashes to images of Harvey Weinstein, Roy Moore, Bill Cosby, Brock Turner. Men who, by nature of their position, have gotten away with horrifying treatment of women. Men who are perfect non-examples of how I want my son to behave as he grows up. But it’s just a saying! What’s the big deal? Read on, friends.

When #metoo gained traction on social media earlier this year, I was honestly a little confused. Isn’t it obvious that the majority of women have experienced sexual harassment? Naming it seemed about as obvious as posting #skyisblue. But as more and more allegations surface, people (mostly men) continue to be surprised.

We have a president implicated in multiple instances of sexual assault, just as we did twenty years ago. We have excused both of them. What’s it going to take to make it clear?

This behavior on the part of men in power is not shocking; it’s typical.

It’s not relegated to the entertainment industry or politics, either. Rather, it’s a fully pervasive symptom of patriarchy. And if we want to elevate the position of women in society, I think it starts with our sons.

In raising our boys, we need to challenge the status quo of sexual harassment as a normal part of the female experience. We need to make it crystal clear that men are not entitled to women’s bodies. If I want to empower and embolden my daughter, I need to think twice about how I’m talking to (and about) my son.

We can’t become complicit bystanders in patriarchal norms, practices, or language. Words matter, so no, my son is not “gonna be a lady-killer.” Not if I do my job right.

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Amy
Amy is a Hudson Valley native and educator working in New York City schools. She has two little kids and one little dog. Before moving to her current home in Ossining, Amy attended college on Long Island and then spent most of her 20s in Brooklyn and Queens. New York is truly home for her, and she’s thrilled to be living closer to her hometown of Garrison and her extended family. As a mom, Amy believes in empowered parenting, and she’s passionate about raising her kids to be partners in the fight for social justice. When she’s not working or trying to figure out nap time, Amy loves hiking, yoga, swimming, and relaxing with her family.