I have always been a somewhat healthy person. I use that word very loosely. I am not an organic-only, vegan-only, all-natural type of girl. I’m far from it, actually. Give me a pure fat, juicy burger with an extra slab of thick-cut, crispy bacon and the sharpest cheddar cheese known to mankind, and I’m the happiest girl on the planet. I’ll swallow it down with a glass of merlot (not beer, because I am a lady after all).
As I’ve gotten older, I have noticed that it is even more important to have a healthy lifestyle, especially since I’ve had my daughter. It’s not just myself that I have to worry about. I had cut gluten out of my diet when I developed an allergy to it. I don’t drink soda or barely any coffee anymore.
I have fallen into a bit of a rut, and I sit down nearly every night with a glass of wine (or two) to relax at the end of the day. I have a two-year-old, so I’m surprised I can last until 4 p.m. without some liquid courage.
I figured the next logical step would be a juice cleanse. I need some way of detoxing my body from all of the bacon, cheese, and wine that holds me together.
So, I turned to Groupon. For some reason (in my ever thrifty brain), since this will be an experiment for me to try out, I didn’t want to pay full price for it.
The juices I chose are unpasteurized and need to be quickly frozen to keep all enzymes and good bacteria alive.
I will admit that I am somewhat excited to start this adventure. I have never before done such a huge diet change before, and I need a good cleansing.
8:07 a.m – Here I go! Head first into this, and all I can think about is wanting pancakes. Why is it you always want what you can’t have? I grab my first juice. It’s called Detox Greens. It has wild arugula, watercress, celery, dandelions, ginger, cucumber, lemon, and apple. Pretty much everything that I avoid eating whole, I am now swallowing in a few gulps. It kind of tastes like an Indian dish I’ve had before. It’s still a bit frozen. I guess I didn’t give it enough time to defrost.
8:11 a.m. – I discovered it’s easier to consume with a straw. It is a bit too spicy for this early in the morning. I guess that’s the ginger. I HATE ginger.
8:13 a.m. – I just realized that it’s only 8:13 a.m. This is going to be a long day!
9:10 a.m. – Starting to get hungry, and it’s only an hour in. I think it might be because that’s all I’m thinking about right now. DAMN THIS BRAIN OF MINE! I need to drink more water. Maybe I’ll distract myself by working on this huge wrap scarf for myself. Winter is coming.
10:15 a.m. – The progeny has awoken. Let the day officially begin. I started to feel hungry, so I grabbed Juice #2. On the website, it said to drink every 2-3 hours or when you’re hungry. Well, I was hungry an hour ago, so two hours for me is awesome. This one tastes much better! Pineapple Mint, and just like the name suggests, it has pineapple, apple, and mint. I could get used to this one. YUM!
12:00 p.m. – Almost time for bottle #3. But, right now, I feel great. That last one really curbed my appetite. I’m praying to the old gods and the new that I can hold out until 12:30-1. Only time will tell. Let me distract myself some more and work on this scarf.
12:55 p.m. – I held out until almost 1:00 p.m.! YAY for me! Bottle #3. I’m starting to feel like a newborn baby being fed every few hours. I hope that I don’t get the explosive poops that come with a liquid diet. This bottle is sweet greens with kale, spinach, swiss chard, romaine, celery, cucumber, ginger, lemon, and apple. At first sip, I thought it was pretty tasty. Sweet, but not too sweet, and then…Ginger. YUCK! With the progeny around, it’s so hard trying not to eat the food I make for her. And me being a half helicopter mom, half free-range mom, I always ask her if she’s hungry. At least this time around, I don’t want pancakes anymore. I now want pizza.
3:30 p.m. – I’m not going to lie. I had some leftover potato wedges from last night. Only about 5 of them, but I couldn’t help myself. I quickly felt bad and ate some baby carrots. I read on the website that I could have one raw vegetable. I chose carrots. I need something to chew on, and now I feel like some rodent. After a quick nap, I am now re-energized and on to bottle #4! Spicy Lemonade has purified water, lemons, organic agave nectar, and cayenne pepper. Exactly what goes into the master cleanse. It’s said that this combination of ingredients is known to burn calories, purify the blood and reduce inflammation. I have been peeing like crazy all day already. This Spicy Lemonade is delicious, though. I might make this at home after the cleanse.
7:10 p.m – I can’t believe I lasted this long in between drinks. Nearly 4 hours! A new record for me! On to bottle #5 – Root Veggies: carrot, apple, beet, lemon, and ginger. More ginger. My husband was attracted to the bright red color and wanted to try it, but once he smelled it, he said it reminds him of when he’s cutting the grass and bits of it land in his mouth. He has a way of making me feel so great about what I’m doing. I also complained to him that I have a slight headache, and he said that my body is falling apart without liquor. That got me thinking…I can have several glasses of wine in one sitting and not even bat an eye, but all this juice is driving me insane.
9:30 p.m. – I made it through the first day! The last bottle is Coconut Fusion. It’s 100% organic Thai coconut water and flesh. I love coconut water, so this one is the easiest to drink. I’m just dying for a burger! I feel this is actually teaching me some self-control, though. I’ve always considered myself an opportunist. If I see some food that I like, I’d like to have an opportunity for it to be in my mouth.
9:30 a.m. – I’m not going to bore you with all of the details of every single bottle again, but today is looking a lot better, and I’m already 2 pounds lighter. I’m starting to feel a bit more optimistic about this whole process. This detox greens bottle actually tastes better today; less ginger and more cucumber.
2:01 p.m. – Today is a lot easier to get through. Maybe because I’m so distracted by other things. We’re nearing the end of buying a vacation house in the Poconos, and I’ve been making so many phone calls and shopping around for house essentials. I almost gave in when we drove past Shake Shack. I was describing what it tastes like to my father. “A moist, juicy burger in between two potato buns,” was my exact description. I slapped myself back to reality when I picked up my lawn in a bottle—the things we do for vanity. I wonder why I even bother with all of this.
My husband loves me the way that I am. Why can’t I? One of the things I’ve picked up on while being a makeup artist is seeing many women be very critical of themselves. We’re always our own worst critics. A small, insignificant feature that most people barely even notice can be a girl’s worst nightmare. It keeps her up at night, wondering how to hide it, cover it up, maybe even chop it off. Self-love is often the hardest to accept.
8:18 a.m. – This cleanse is starting to take a toll on me. My skin is not glowy and dewy the way that I hoped it would be. In fact, it feels dry, and I’m breaking out like a pubescent teenager. I have very oily skin, and I’ve grown to accept it and work with what I have. This dry skin is unnatural and foreign to me.
I woke up at around 6 a.m. to get my day started early. I grab my first drink of the day, and about halfway through it, I still feel very hungry. I push it aside, thinking it’ll pass eventually, but it doesn’t, and I feel like I’m about to pass out.
SCREW THIS! I run to my kitchen and make myself some toast. It’s a stare-down between me and the toast. Do I really want to give in and eat it? Of course, I do because I have no willpower.
It’s glorious! There goes the end of my cleanse. I did a full two days, and honestly, that’s enough for me. Last night my husband forbade me from doing this again, saying that I’m too cranky. Honestly, I don’t blame him. I NEED FOOD! Diets aren’t for me.
Back to eating solids. This day is rough for me. My stomach is so sensitive from the exclusive juice diet that I can barely eat anything. Even being off of the cleanse, my body is still mad at me. I have a lot of respect for people who do this regularly.