Last month, I was writing an essay on establishing dialogue and discourse with kids at various age groups. Well, that one will have to wait because right now, what I need to work on is dialogue with other grown folks. I want my kid to see me (now and always) being open, compassionate, and standing up for what’s right. Today, doing all three of those things at once feels particularly challenging. I originally made this Dos and Don’ts list for my personal growth to hold myself accountable for moving beyond what’s easy and comfortable. Then I thought, why not let the interwebs hold me accountable?!
But first, let me make one thing clear. I’m a white, straight, cisgender woman. The audience for this essay is largely people like me. I don’t ever want to tacitly expect people from marginalized groups to follow some set of my cultural norms or “rules” to engage in discourse, so I certainly won’t ask you outright to do so here or anywhere else. I will try to listen.
I’d also like to acknowledge that disagreement can be very uncomfortable, especially when it’s with people we love. That makes it all the more important to model for our kids how the great American act of dissent can work. Now is not the time to be quiet for the sake of our comfort. Our kids need to see our values in action.
I think it’s helpful to clearly distinguish dialogue from debate. Debaters talk to win. Dialogue is about creating space for learning. Here are some helpful goals to keep in mind.
Recognizing the difference, in theory, is simple, but in practice, woah buddy. Not so easy, especially when you’re trying to dialogue with someone who feels like your polar opposite. What’s important to remember is that a comfort zone is a nice place, but nothing ever grows there. Take this opportunity to aim for growth and model dialogue for your kids. In that spirit, here are the rules I’ve made for myself for establishing and sustaining productive dialogue. This list is inspired by the book Difficult Conversations by Douglass Stone, the racial justice organization Border Crossers, and several friends and public figures whose level of compassion, zen, and composure is worthy of great aspiration.
DON’T try to shut the other person down by saying things like, “I would never…” or “that makes no sense.”
DO ask questions. Paraphrase and extend the other person’s thinking or reasoning without jumping to make your point.
DON’T be reactive. Responding too quickly isn’t a great idea, especially when emotions are running high and tensions are mounting.
DO take a beat to consider the other person’s perspective. At least take a mindful moment to notice your own emotions and aim for balance.
DON’T rely too heavily on data and statistics. I’m a numbers girl, so this one is hard for me, but I’ve learned that not everyone resonates with this stuff, and it can be easy to rattle off numbers in a way that turns people off and fosters little more than defensiveness or disengagement.
DO focus on how you feel and express it. Tell stories. Recall something you’ve struggled with or something that’s happened to people you love (but try not to speak for other people). Listen with empathy instead of judgment to the stores shared with you.
DON’T belittle or shame. Making someone feel bad about themselves rarely leads to meaningful discussion or learning for anyone.
DO know that at this moment in time, people are angry. It might not take much for you to set someone off and make them very quickly upset when you disagree. Try to find some common ground and understand the other person’s mindset. Think aloud as you do this, so the other person knows you hear them.
DON’T grill people. Questions are useful and important but badgering someone isn’t. Refrain from restating the same question over and over again. Avoid asking questions that are designed to deliberately trap someone. Dialogue is not a contest.
DO own it if you need to assert yourself. Just because it’s dialogue doesn’t mean you have to placate the other person or quiet down when you feel the need to speak up. Sometimes feelings will still be hurt, and that’s ok. You can come back from hurt feelings, trust that the other person can too. It’s a delicate balance. Play with it.
DON’T double down and meet defensiveness with defensiveness. Seriously, try hard not to do this. It happens a lot when disagreements feel fundamental and un-bridgeable. Remember that you’re not aiming for consensus, and “winning” is not the goal. Don’t be afraid to be wrong, or wrong-ish, or unsure if you’re wrong or not! You haven’t messed up a dialogue just because the other person doesn’t say, “oh, yeah, you’re right.” Lower your expectations about what can happen in the span of one conversation.
DO recognize when you need to tag out. If you get upset or angry, it might be best to stop talking soon. This is more for your sake than for theirs, but it will positively affect both of you if you leave a conversation before it becomes toxic. That does not mean you shouldn’t push past discomfort, but rather that knowing your limits is an invaluable skill – practice it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “Let’s take a break,” or “I need to think about this more,” or “let’s continue this later.”
